You bet your sweet…

Needless to say, this commercial got pulled.

Suspect

As most of you know, I am a consultant for Microsoft. As such, I get looped in on some emails that I find very entertaining. This is one I just received (with internal information edited of course):

Security Alert
Possible cougar sighting – employees should exercise caution

Investigators with Security have investigated the reported sighting of a suspected cougar in the vicinity of Building XX. An inspection of the area did not provide any evidence that a cougar or other large animal had been there, such as tracks or scratches on trees, but we are taking this report seriously nevertheless.

Microsoft Security will conduct frequent patrols of all wooded areas of the campus, and will work with the State Department of Fish & Wildlife and other experts to assess the situation and provide further updates if appropriate. In the meantime, we ask that all employees exercise appropriate caution, particularly in remote or wooded areas of campus.

If you see anything suspicious, please contact the Jenny at 867-5309.

For any threat to personal safety Dial 911 (or local emergency provider) and immediately contact on-site Security.

Um, a “suspected cougar”? “I don’t know for sure though. It could have been a cougar. Maybe a duck or platypus. Maybe even Man-Bear-Pig. I can’t say. But, since we like to blame local animals for wandering neighborhoods and business parks from which we stole from them in the first place, we’ll claim it’s a cougar.

Awkward Coffee

It’s been a long day at work. We had a big release that didn’t go quite as well as planned, but we finally got our site up and running. Once that was done, it was time to start testing the site in production. Needless to say, it’s been a crazy day which has worn me out. About 2:45 in the afternoon, I’m getting tired.

It’s time for coffee. Oh yes, coffee time. Luckily, there is a barista onsite at work. I walk on over.

So far, so good.

As I walk up to the barista, I see her staring at me. I get to the counter, and you know, since she was staring at me, I figured she was waiting to take my order.

“Can I get a 16oz iced caramel macchiato please?” I ask.

She slowly raises her phone to her ear and holds up her other hand and says to me “hang on a second”. She then starts talking on her phone for about a minute.

The barista then hangs up and has me repeat the order. I hand her the money and then go stand by the wall to wait for my coffee.

When I got to the wall, I noticed a guy standing about 6 feet away from me. He was singing, yes – SINGING, about Spiderman and Aquaman capes. Nevermind the fact that neither of these comic book characters wear caps. The fact is, this guy was literally singing about Spiderman and Aquaman capes. Not cool.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, another guy who ordered his coffee after me came and stood by me at the wall. Now, when I say “he came and stood by me”, I mean he really stood by me. Straight up invaded my personal bubble and was leaning against me.

I lean forward and looking over to the right giving him a completely blatant visual queue that he had at least 5 feet between him and Mr. I-sing-about-Spiderman-and-Aquaman-capes where he could stand without violating my personal space and setting off my gaydar. He notices me giving this “hint” and looks back at me and says “Sup”. I then nonchalantly step over to my left, to the extent that he was no longer jumping my border, and returned the greeting.

Needless to say, as soon as I got my coffee, I was out of there like Speedy Gonzales.

You’d think that this was some creepy coffee stand in some metropolitan area, but no, this was the in-house Starbucks in the Microsoft cafeteria.

Very awkward.

The craziest thing you will see today

Here I am, sitting in the office and I am reading through one of my favorite blogs, Tech Funk Manifesto, and am enviously reading the schedule for my favorite DJ/producer’s at Burning Man.  Anyway, the picture attached to said blog is guaranteed to be one of the coolest craziest things I will see today, and maybe several days to come:

Winkers

Personally, I find the duck the funniest.  Get ready to waste 3 minutes and 38 seconds of your life.

You will never get that time back.  For that, I am sorry.

Vivid Dreams

Lately my wife and I have been taking supplements to increase our health. One of these supplements is 5-HTP.

5-HTP is an over-the-counter supplement which boosts one’s serotonin and serves as an antidepressant, appetite suppressant, and a sleep aid. One of the side effects of this supplement is vivid dreams. I have had some very vivid dreams since taking this. Some are funny, some are frightening. They are so vivid that in the dream, they seem so real that even though I usually know when I’m dreaming, in these, I cannot.

This new series is going to be dedicated to the vivid dreams that I have as a result of this supplement. I’m going to tell these stories as they occurred in the dream.

I’m sitting on my couch watching TV when I hear a knock at the door. As usual, if I’m not expecting company, so I peek out the window to see who it might be. Two police officers.

Interesting… I turn off the TV and go to answer the door. When I opened it, each of the officers had their hands on their guns and asked my name.

Not knowing what was up, I confirmed it was me and one of officers pulled his gun, aimed it me, and the other grabbed my shoulder, flipped me around and slammed me against the wall.

“We know it was you, you’re coming with us”.

What the hell?! I had no clue what they were talking about. I have been home since yesterday and everyone in my house is alive. I, thinking it was just a mistake, didn’t resist and said “Um, ok, let’s go clear this up then. I didn’t do nuthin’!

I was cuffed and thrown in the back of the cop car. My neighbors are watching, shaking their heads.

I remember thinking how messed up this was… first I was being blamed for something I am pretty sure I didn’t do, and now my all neighbors are watching this going down, sure that I was guilty of whatever it was I may have done.

While in the cop car, I kept trying to ask details about why I was being taken in and finally got the answer that I was being blamed for murder.

The police didn’t take me to jail. They didn’t take me to court. They took me straight to a laboratory.

When they walked me in, they took me into a very sterile room that was loaded with concerning tools – it registered that this was a room for doctors to administer the death penalty. I start to panic.

“What is this?! You are blaming me for a murder and I don’t even get a lawyer, trial, nothing?! Fuck you, this isn’t right! I want my lawyer and I want to call my family so they know what’s going on! In fact, I don’t even know what’s going on! Why I am I here?!”

They proceeded to throw me on this metal table and strap me down. They told me there was hard evidence that showed me as the murderer of someone I didn’t even know. They told me because the evidence was inarguable they were immediately giving me the death penalty.

Strapped down, I could do nothing. I knew I was innocent and wrongfully accused. There was nothing I could do.

A doctor came in and started talking to me about what was going to happen. He explained he was going to administer a pill that would quickly and painlessly bring me to end of life.

I struggled to get loose. I couldn’t. I was strapped and unable to get out.

The doctor then forced my mouth open and stuck a black pill in the back of my mouth. The way he placed it, my body involuntarily forced me to swallow.

“Just look at the clock and within less than a minute, you will start to fall asleep. You shouldn’t feel a thing.”

I gave up. I looked at the clock. It was 11:57. As I was watching the second hand tick through the seconds, I felt my stomach lose all feeling. The deadness was starting to spread. My heart started racing.

It was time to make my peace with God.

“Lord, You are great and You are holy. Please…” I felt my heart starting to race super fast and then stop. This was it. I couldn’t register another thought, but knew I was going out.

Tunnel vision was kicking in, blackness closing in. I was dying. Still looking at the clock, the last thing I saw before everything went black was the minute-hand hitting 11:58. One minute. Doc was right.

I am dead. I remember thinking it couldn’t be a dream. People don’t actually die in their dreams. This is real…

A white dot. The white dot starts to grow. It spreads out like a light and I am overwhelmed with the white glow.

I think to myself, “Wow, this really is it. I have passed and I was right about the afterlife.”

I squint my eyes and look forward. There is an outline of a man standing at a podium. I walk towards him.

“Name please?” says the man, or what appeared to be a man at least. I gave him my name and he opens up a huge book. He starts scanning it for my name. “Ah ha, here you are. Let’s see here… mmhm… OK, go stand over there and wait for entrance.

“To Heaven right?” It always bugged me when people asked questions to which they already knew the answer to, but hey, I was just given a speedy no-trial-death-penalty for a murder I didn’t commit. I just wanted to make sure.

“After murder? And not even making your peace with God? Yeah…. No.”

Are you serious?! I was even marked up here for something I didn’t do? I even tried to make peace with God, but I was cut off by that stupid death pill… I really tried.

That was it. I didn’t even have time to argue my point. No trial in life, no trial in afterlife. Today, I was double screwed.

I felt the ground below me start to break apart and what seemed like a glow, yet absent of all light, started to rise up from under me. Instinctively, I knew what was happening.

Before I knew it, I was slammed down on hard ground. It was hot. I knew where I was. Dazed, I look around to check my surroundings.

I see a horribly disfigured character approaching someone in front of me. In a deep growling voice, it tells this guy his time was up. The guy screamed at him saying he didn’t get enough time.

As the disfigurement grabbed the guy by the arm and threw him across the cavernous room, I felt the ground below start to break apart again.

Yet, this time it was light emitting from below me. What was happening? I had no clue until I heard a voice saying “we now know the truth, you get another chance”.

I fall through this hole, for the second time today, and find myself back on earth. At work.

Um, you took me out of hell and back to work? Irony at its finest.

Well, here I was, alive again and back at work. While relieved, I still knew something wasn’t right.

I walked out of the office and ran into a guy that goes to my church. I told him my crazy experience I just went through.

“Did any of them follow you?” he asks.

“Uh, what?” Now I’m really confused, “I don’t know.”

He tells me what I went through has happened before and guides me to his office so he can show me something.

He picks up his phone and dials what seemed to be way too long to be a phone number. I look at his computer screen and it’s showing a thermal image of the property outside the office. What I saw on the screen looked oddly familiar to the demon I encountered moments ago.

My friend says, “You got lucky. Go rest and I’ll take care of this”.

I turn around, start walking back down the hall, and it was over.

That was the end of the dream. I woke up, deeply disturbed.

Losin’ it

This is an actual email chain between me and coworkers today.  Read it from the bottom up.  Losin’ it?  You decide.

It was warm out yesterday, it’s even warmer out today

In light of the potentially record breaking heat wave in Washington today, I would like to feature one of my favorite Family Guy clips…

Tied

Today I got all dressed up for a court appearance (contesting a speeding ticket).  Wearing nice shoes, slacks, button up shirt, and a tie.

Very uncomfortable.

With a mind as, well, how do I put it… empathetic yet controversial as it is, takes this dressing up versus uncomfortableness thing and tries to make sense of it.  I try to put myself in the “the man’s shoes” and figure out the reason they came up with their jackass ideas.  I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

Why couldn’t “the man” (whoever he was, or whoever the group was collectively) just think about all the people on a hot summer day and decide shorts and a t-shirt was the nice and respectful thing to wear at events such as court, places of business, or any other special event?  This is my conspiracy: They did it to piss me off.

So anyway, here I am, it’s hot out and I’m wearing an entire suit minus the jacket.  Uncomfortable as I can possibly be.

What a stupid idea.  Why can’t we be more like India where their nice attire is comfortable and breathable.  Like the Kurta:

I vote that this country takes on a new endeavor to challenge this practice and blow this custom out of the water.  The Kurta would be an improvement, but I like the shorts and a t-shirt idea much better.

Who’s with me?

You make the vote

Ah, it’s a fine line when dealing with the realities of life versus the realities of dealing with douchebags. This post from F My Life is a perfect example:

Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn’t have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying “This is life. Once you think you’re happy, someone crushes it”. FML

Reality or douchebag? I vote the latter.