Can you be dumber?

I’m not the type of guy that will watch the Miss USA contest, but this one would have been worth it. My co-worker showed it to me and I laughed my ass off.

Miss South Carolina was asked “There are a lot of people in the world that cannot find the U.S. on a map. Why?”

Miss South Carolina’s response:
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq — everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. — or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future…”

OMFG. Can you believe that? Funny shit.

Then, to top it off, you can also get a “Miss South Carolina Collectible” on eBay

Jackassery Award of the Day, Vol. 2

Jackass 1: “Hey, let’s play some frisbee!”

Jackass 2: “Sweet, sounds like fun. Wait… we don’t have a frisbee”

Jackass 1: “Actually, I see one right over there. I’ll grab it.”

Jackass 2: “Perfect. Grab that and we’ll start throwing it around”

Jackass 1: “Got it. Seems kind of heavy. Whatever. Here it comes!”

Jackass 2: “Holy crap, that is heavy. Whatever.”

Jackass 1 and 2 throw the frisbee around a few more times and then:

Lifeguard: “STOP!!! PUT THAT DOWN GENTLY!”

Jackass 1: “Uh… alright… why?”

Lifeguard: “Hang on. I’m calling the police. You’re not in trouble, just a retard.”

Within minutes the police, including the bomb squad, shows up and confirms the frisbee is actually an old Soviet 6 kilogram anti-tank mine.

And that, my friends, gets the 2nd Jackassery Award of the Day.

Farewell WWN!

Since I was a little kid, I was always entertained when I walked up to the register at a grocery and got a good glimpse at the current issue of Weekly World News.

Ah, good times, reading this high quality bullshit. Or as Tommy Lee Jones said in Men in Black: “best damn investigative reporting on the planet.”

It’s a sad day really – when such entertainment goes out the door. I bet there will be a lot less alien and Elvis sightings from here on out…

I figured I’d share some of my favorite WWN headlines:

“U.S. Paying Space Aliens to Find and Destroy Bin Laden!”
“African Tribe Worships Barbra Streisand’s Nose”
“Man Poses as CPR Dummy To Meet Women”
“Seeing Eye Squirrels For Blind Dogs”
“Tiny Terrorists Disguised As Garden Gnomes”
“Vegan Vampire Attacks Trees”
“Bush’s Plan to Protect the White House: Paint It Black.”

Well, now the checkstand at the grocery store is going to be a lot less entertaining. I guess it’s time to order online and have Bigfoot deliver…

Men’s Room Etiquette

Dammit people. There is Men’s Room Etiquette. Why can’t you adhere to it? This etiquette is intended to keep guys comfortable while they are draining the main vein. Drain the lizard. Water the pot. Whatever you want to call it.It’s very simple really. Here are the rules:
1) If there are 4 urinals, pick the closest to either end of the wall.
2) If there is someone already using one of the urinals, you DO NOT choose the choose the urinal right next to them.
3) If there are 4 urinals, there should be a maximum of 2 being used at any given time.
4) If you come in and find only every other urinal available, you have 2 options:
- Wait for an available urinal where no one is on either side of you.
- Use one of the available stalls where you have a wall in between.
5) Once you have successfully claimed a urinal according to the above rules, don’t talk. Stare straight forward at the wall and mind your own damn business.

In fact, I coined a new term for those that violate #2 and #4 above.  This term is called Gayzy.  It’s a contraction of “gay” and/or “lazy”.  Don’t get me wrong here, I have no problem with gays so I’m not ripping on them here.  I just get really pissed off when someone violates my “safety bubble” that extends one urinal’s length away on either side of me.

Would you like one hump or two?

“OK, my wife’s birthday is coming up. What should I get her?” Says the old Australian man.

He thinks for a while and then “AH HA! I GOT IT! I’m going to get her a camel!”

So the man goes out and buys a 10 month old camel and gives it to his wife of many years.

The wife loves the camel and treats it like a pet, but the camel doesn’t seem to recognize the dominence.

The rule is, you can love your camel, but you can’t LOVE your camel.

So, the camel decides to practice a little mating ritual. I’m not sure exactly what it was, but it involved crushing the old woman and killing her. The fate of the camel is unknown at this time.

With all camel-toe jokes aside, here is the story.

Sexy Mama?

My advice: Before you post your MySpace tagline as “Sexy Mama” or post explicit photos, why don’t you take a look at your pictures. Take a real good look and ponder the following questions:

• I weigh XXX pounds. Since a camera always adds 10 pounds, can I justify calling myself “Sexy Mama” in the eyes of all who will see my profile?
• Do hairy armpits in my gratuitous booby shot help define me as a “Sexy Mama”?
• A mole above the lip can be considered a beauty mark. Is the same considered for my Mt. Fuji-size zits above my lip, on my chin, and on my forehead? Do the zits exude a “Sexy Mama” persona?
• If the horse in the background is the most attractive thing in the picture, can I rightfully call myself “Sexy Mama”?

The answer to all these questions is HELL NO.

What Grinds My Gears

You know what REALLY grinds my gears? Stupid bitches. My fiance (not the stupid bitch, just to clarify), has been friends with some girl (the stupid bitch) at her work for some time now. My fiance introduced her to her boyfriend, has been there for her through all her drama and listened to all her “woe-is-me” shit, and hung out with her when she had no other friends… yada yada yada. The whole shabang, being a great friend.

They were both in the same position at their company and were both shooting for higher positions. They made an agreement not to go for the same positions. They told each other which positions they were going for so that they didn’t cross each other’s applications. Well, one person held to that agreement… my fiance.

The stupid bitch ends up applying for the same position as my fiance. They go through the interview process and the stupid bitch ends up getting the job. Words from the hiring manager: “[Stupid Bitch] only got the position because she has a degree, even though you were much more qualified”.

WTF?! First off, the Stupid Bitch just proved herself to be a real shitty friend, shitty person, and all around just a dumb cunt. Ya, I went there. I hope you read this Stupid Bitch. You will know exactly who you are! You are a fucking traitor! I already knew you were a psycho bitch when it came to you dating my buddy, but when you fuck with the woman I love, you hit a new low.

Secondly, WTF is wrong with this company?! You hire someone with a piece of paper when you know someone else is more qualified for the job? You are fucking idiots. No wonder all your products are shit. I wouldn’t even buy a light bulb from you fucking morons.

Now back to you, Stupid Bitch. I hope you fail miserably at this job. I hope my buddy opens his eyes and sees you for the unrealistic psychotic bitch you are. I want your traitorous faults to be exposed to all so you can experience your friends (by association only) and colleagues turn their backs on you like you did to my fiance.

For everyone else reading this… sorry you had to see/read this side of me. Trust me, it takes A LOT to get me to this point.

I guess this just goes to say something about the friends I’ve had for so many years. I thank you and praise you for your friendships, for being there when I needed you, for feeling comfortable enough to come to me when you need me, for being just all around good people. I pray that you never get involved with someone like Stupid Bitch. Just to set expectations, I will NOT put up this shit for anyone else. If you do get involved with someone like this, please know that when I say something about it – take it seriously, don’t be offended for long. I’m only trying to help not just you, but everyone esle in our circle. We don’t need this shit.