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Archive for May, 2008

3 Shakes

May 19, 2008 rooster 1 comment

I’m out at the bar this last Saturday, celebrating my buddy’s birthday. About 6 shots of Patron tequila and 3 Mojitos, I decide it’s time to break the seal. I stumble my way over to the restroom and walk up to the urinal. I unzip my pants and attempt to whip it out and drain the main vein.

Uh-oh. I can’t get to it and it looks like I’m playing with myself as I’m trying to get to my junk (reference 3 shakes rule)… what the hell?!

Son-of-a-bitch! I put my boxers on backwards!

Categories: jackassery

Proud to be an American…

May 16, 2008 rooster 1 comment

…because the Scottish can be pretty f’d up (don’t ask my heritage, please).  My buddy sent me this article he found on a forum.

In a nutshell, this guy was caught in a hostel, having sex with this bike. 

Categories: jackassery

Newspapers

May 15, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

Time for another rant.  It’s another bathroom annoyance.  This is about the “Newspaper Guy”.

The Newspaper Guy is the one who goes to the restroom at work, and when doing so, brings a newspaper.  He reads his paper while dropping the kids off at the pool.  When he’s done, he then leaves the newspaper on the ground and leaves.  Probably without even washing his hands.  Sick bastard.

So, Newspaper Guy is gone, but the newspaper remains.  The newspaper is sitting on the bathroom floor, absorbing all the nasty fecal and whatever-else-you-can-think-of bacteria.

Then the next guy comes in.  Maybe it’s the same Newspaper Guy, maybe it’s not.  I don’t know how much chili he ate last night.  Either way, this guy grabs that germ-infested newspaper and reads it himself while he drops his kids off at the pool so they can go play with Newspaper Guy #1’s kids (because at this rate, you know #1 never flushed the toilet and Newspaper Guy #2 didn’t bother flushing before he sat down).

Now we have Newspaper Guy who didn’t wash his hands, the covered-in-fecal-matter newspaper, and Newspaper Guy #2 spreading the nastiness. 

Once Newspaper Guy #2 is done doing his business, he has a thought of courtesy by not dropping the newspaper on the ground again, but because of his stupidity, he just tucks away the newspaper in the toilet seat cover storage compartment.

What just happened you ask?  Well, first off, if that is your question, then chances are you are Newspaper Guy and I hate you… but anyway, now the fecal-infested-man-cheese-ass-herpe-bacteria-infected newspaper is rubbin’ up on the toilet seat covers, which as we know, are designed to protect the clean man’s ass from the aforementioned nastiness.  Now the only source of protection is now the enemy.

Let’s fast forward a bit…. Now it’s my turn to use the restroom.  I walk in, I see the newspaper tucked away in the toilet seat cover compartment.  A wave of dismay comes over me because alas, I cannot do my business here unless I want all this spread-nastiness rubbin’ up on my ass.

No thank you.  Instead, I’d rather risk the pain of holding it until I find a clean restroom, whether it be a minute or 8 hours later, then to sit on the germ-warfarewaged-on-humanity-by-the-Newspaper-Guys toilet seat cover.

Damn you Newspaper Guy.  Damn you straight to hell.  This blog should be posted on the front page of Seattle Times.

Jackassery Award of the Day

May 15, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

Excerpted from KMVT 11 News:

A Twin Falls resident charged with forgetting he’d left 21 pounds of marijuana in an apartment he’d moved out of last October, has pled guilty.

28 year old Samuel Wood and 29 year old Justin Bright were both arrested on drug charges after an employee of an apartment complex on Heyburn Avenue East discovered the marijuana.

Bright has already been sentenced for two misdemeanor charges in the case.

Wood, who was charged with drug trafficking, is scheduled to be sentenced in mid July.

Samuel and Justin – today, you share the Jackassery Award of the Day!

Categories: jackassery

i can’t even title this…

May 15, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

Categories: jackassery, technology

How Rude…

May 13, 2008 rooster 5 comments

You know what really pisses me off?  People that get pissed off because other people are on talking on their cell phones.  I think the real issue for these people is that they are nosy little pricks that want to eavesdrop on conversations, but they only get to hear one side of the conversation so they get all pissy about it.

Only being able to hear one side of the conversation is the only difference.  If you took that cell phone away and replaced it with another human being and they have the same conversation with same tone and tone, suddenly people aren’t so pissy about it. 

Freakin’ hypocrites.

Gotta go now, some asshole is talking on his cell phone outside my office…

Alarm Clock

May 12, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

About a year and a half ago, I went to BestBuy and bought an iPod compatible alarm clock. It’s called the iHome IH5 and was a great idea. Not a great product though. It had 2 major flaws in it:

  1. You could only hit snooze 5 times and then the alarm clock would just shut off. So, those mornings where you are having a really hard time getting up… you might hit snooze one too many times and end up sleeping right through that 8:00 AM meeting you were supposed to attend.
  2. It had dials, mimicking the iPod scroll wheel, allowing you to change the volume and set the time/alarm. The problem was the scroll wheels in this version were crap. It eventually lost responsiveness and it would take me literally 10 minutes to set the alarm.

Knowing this, and getting so sick of dealing with it, I decided to take advantage of that $9 extended warranty I paid for.

I went to BestBuy and they looked up my order history. Found that someone messed up the original order, put the wrong warranty on there, and I wasn’t covered! There was nothing they could do for me. Well, they probably could if I raised enough hell over it, but I didn’t feel like going through a giant battle over it.

I was still pissed off, so I said “this is the 3rd time you guys have messed up my warranty plans. “YOU’VE LOST MY BUSINESS!” I tossed the alarm clock across the customer service desk and ended with “you figure out, I don’t want your piece of sh*t anymore!” I huffed, and I puffed, and I walked right out the door.

After all this, I drove away and, a couple miles down the road, realized… AH CRAP! THAT WAS MY ONLY ALARM CLOCK! It did work somewhat… and I just shot myself in the foot by throwing it away.

Of course, my pride didn’t let me go back to BestBuy and retrieve my alarm clock. Dammit.

With pride intact, I went to the Apple store and found a much better version of the alarm clock, the iHome IH9, that had all the kinks worked out, based on user reviews.

What did I learn from this whole experience? Well, one might ask, “what does pride cost a man?”. Turns out it is $161.00 after tax.

Categories: jackassery

The Clap

May 12, 2008 rooster 1 comment

Well, I bet that title scared you.  Fortunately for you, I’m not going to talk about VD.  It’s been a while since I provided a completely-useless-who-really-cares article that means absolutely nothing to you and has nothing to do with growing oneself or enhancing wisdom of any kind.

My question stemmed from a company conference call.  Or Church.  Or any other sort of presentation:  When it’s over, people clap.  They applaud to show respect and thanks for what was just presented to them.

But why?  Why do we clap?!  It’s actually a very annoying sound.  No rythm.  Just a series of sounds compiled by the ruthless slapping of hands against each other.

There are several theories behind this.  I’ll start from the most general to the the most probable explanations:

1) In Greek and Roman empirical times, clapping was actually a sound made out of disrespect to drown out actors who really sucked ass. 

2) Ancient Rome would slap their champions on the back for a job well done.  When the champion wasn’t close enough to touch, people would clap their hands together to ensure their champion knew they were being recognized.  This grew to everyone clapping and eventually became common practice for all types of presentations.

3) Kings and Queens of ancient times could not speak to commoners, so when they approved of something, they clapped so that people would know of royal approval.  Honestly, this is the stupidest explanation I’ve heard.

4) Clapping originated from tribal groups.  As we all know, tribes – whether African, South American, or a bum on the corner of 5th & Main trying to earn a nickel – are famous for playing drums.  When there was no way to show recognition, people would mimic the sound of the drums by clapping their hands together in approval.  A sign of “I like you… I would like to be like you”.  Of course, unless you are of African decent, you have no rhythm, so this mimicking of the drums became a random banging of palms together, but still recognized as an expression of approval.

5) Going back to our primal days as cavemen, people would jump around and slap various parts of their bodies to show excitement for, let’s say, the successful hunt-and-kill of a mammoth.  As people became more civilized and realized they looked like a bunch of f***ing idiots, this action evolved to simple hand clapping, and thus became the sign of recognition for all time.

6) This theory makes the most sense as we have visual proof:  It is simply a primal instinct.  Take a look at a happy baby.  As soon as the baby has developed motor skills and something excites them, they clap.  Or, how about you look at a monkey.  They also instinctively clap to show happiness, excitement, or approval.  Then again, they also throw poop.

So, there is your useless information.  If you feel like this post was a complete waste of your time, then my work here is done.

Got your own theory?  Leave a comment and humor me.

Best Campaign Ads

May 9, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

Alright, I found my new favorite website (www.cracked.com).  There was a photoshop contest for “What the presidential campaign would be like if the candidates had balls”.  Here a few of my pictures.  To see all of them, click here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nueve de Mayo?

May 9, 2008 rooster Leave a comment

OK, so it’s May 9th now, but I’m going to talk about Cinco de Mayo. 

Cinco de Mayo, even though technically it’s not an independence holiday, it really is.  The history is here.

So, independence holiday… pretty much any independent country has a holiday representing such an awesome anniversary.  Meaning, they get the day off and party like rockstars. 

So why is it that on Cinco de Mayo we all herd ourselves into overcrowded Mexican restaurants, forcing the servers, cooks, and bussers to work their hardest they do all year long?  Have you ever been to a Mexican restaurant on Cinco de Mayo where you haven’t seen this?

Take the 4th of July for example.  America’s Independence Day.  We shut down.  It’s like Christmas.  Everyone’s partying, but all major functions are closed for the day.  Yet, Cinco de Mayo – not  the case.

This just goes to show how lazy we Americans are compared to our friends down south. 

Not like it would ever fly, but I think that we need to give these guys a break.  Do like I do – go to a Chinese restaurant on Cinco de Mayo next year.  Let Mexicans have their day dammit!

- Brought to you by your Seattlite White Guy.

Categories: advice, food for thought, irony