Raising the bar

This picture is dedicated to anyone who has suffered the “service” or employment of Cingular/AT&T:

You just can’t make this up

You’re sitting in the audience of a high school graduation. You’re watching your kid and all his peers get their diplomas when, all of a sudden…

A GIANT 6 FOOT INFLATABLE PENIS COMES RUNNING THROUGH AUDIENCE SPRAYING EVERYONE WITH SILLY STRING!

When arrested, the police asked the guy in the inflatable penis costume why he did it.

“I thought it would be funny.”

Seriously, you just can’t make this shit up.

[source]

Pizza anyone? Anyone?

All I have to say is “Thank God for Fark.com“. Most of the news that we are fed are politically biased or nothing more than ratings boosts where the media picks and chooses their stories based on what gets them more revenue. If you don’t already know, Fark resolves this by having people from all over world submit news that people actually care about, or at least find entertaining. This is one of those stories.

This story is about a lonely, hungry prostitute by the name of Brunelle. She was arrested for domestic violence after fighting with her mom who had attempted to stop Brunelle from selling her beef curtains. Brunelle was whoring off because Jason Lee, her former friend, bailed her out of jail and forced her to become a fighting lobster claw to pay him back for the bail money.

So, due to the domestic violence situation, Brunelle was arrested again. When Brunelle went to court and explained the situation – that she was forced to commit domestic violence so she could get back out on the street and let people buy a ride on the camel toe, thus paying her pimp back to buy her freedom.

The judge, seeing an opportunity here, offered to let her go based on a deal:

The court gives you a pizza and you give us the identity of your pimp.

Deal or no deal?

DEAL!

The court got their pimp and the whore got her $5 pizza.

Judge Nadine Allison, you are a hero. Finally, a branch of government that has wisely used the taxpayer’s money.

Sense of smell

As most of you know, my dog is the stupidest smart dog. You know the story, he eats everything. Well, after 2 surgeries in 2 months, he pulls another fast one on us. We left for MAYBE 45 minutes. Before we left, we put the cone on him so that he doesn’t lick his surgery scars or anything.

Well, this dog figured out how to open our sealed garbage can that you have to press your foot down on the lever to open. We had 2 steak bones and multiple corn on the cobs in the garbage from the night before. He got the steak bones and chomped them down. That cone doesn’t stop sh!t.

I’ll save you a lot of details because this dog is not the focus of this story. It is the vet.

Since my normal vet was closed by this time, I had to take the dog to the emergency vet in Snohomish. We signed in, and waited for the Doctor. Doctor Joe was his name.

Doctor Joe comes in and checks out my dog. Keep in mind, Doctor Joe doesn’t know why we are there yet.

Standing in front of Parker (the dog), checking out his ears, the doc smells the breath on Parker.

“Steak and corn on the cob, eh?”

My wife and I look at each other… how the
hell did you know that?!

Apparently Doctor Joe has an insane sense of smell. He can pick out several smells and decipher exactly what they are. He can walk by someone and tell you if they just drank a Diet Coke versus a regular Coke.

WTF. That is one superpower I am glad I don’t have. Mainly because my dogs farts are the WORST.

June Birthdays

I noticed there are just a sh!t ton of birthdays this month. That means that a lot of people get busy in October. I therefore declare October as “National Hump Month”.

For all you people having birthdays this month, I leave you with this thought: When October comes around, think about your parents humping and thank them.

Now try to get THAT image out of your head.

You can’t recruit me!

As most of you know, I used to work at AT&T/AT&T Wireless/Cingular/AT&T (again)/at&t Mobility. As most of you have heard through either myself or my good buddy the Cranky Monkey, that company used to be cool to work for, but things were stripped away until it was quite possibly the worst place to work. Today, someone from at&t Mobility HR called and offered me a job back with the company.

Here was my response:

“I would be interested if the pay was worth it, the benefits were like they were 4 years ago, the bonuses were good, there was ample room for career growth, cups, straws, coffee, and tea was in the break room, it wasn’t in Redmond, the cell phone was completely free, no travel, and never had to work over 45 hours a week on salary…”

Then she replied:

“So, do you know anyone else with your skill set?”

Stupid dog

That stupid dog of mine did it again. Two months ago, Parker (the dog) decided to eat a cat toy and got it stuck in his intestines. Long story short, he was going to die if we didn’t go into immediate surgery. After 3 days of non-stop puking all over the house and my car, surgery happened, and $2000 later we had a slimy cat toy and a tennis ball that had been in his stomach for several months.

So, dumbass dog stopped eating 2 nights ago. Last night he started throwing up, and then kept throwing up all night long. Super.

I called the vet this morning and made an appointment. I went in around 9:00 AM and by 9:30 AM I got the news. X-rays showed there was something stuck in his intestines. It appeared to be cloth like and was visually apparent that it was causing major disruption through his body…. Which explains the gas lately? Yes, I think it does.

Here is my advice to all you people that are thinking about getting a dog: Don’t get a Labrador. They are loveable and cute and are faithful to you for life… but they are stupid as hell. My dog eats socks, cat toys, and tennis balls. My buddy’s chocolate lab ate pop cans – sometimes with the soda still in it. My dad’s yellow lab eats rocks. Knowing this, don’t get a freaking Labrador. It’s not worth it. Stop yourself before you get attached to one.

Update: I just got a call from the vet.  Turns out they found a chunk of bone and my step-daughter’s underwear.  Great.  Just great.

Beerfest

i·ro·ny [ahy-ruh-nee] – noun, def. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

This weekend I went to Beerfest at St. Edwards park. The irony of this is that St. Edwards park used to be a monastery and even more importantly, it was Milam’s Alcohol and Drug Recovery center.

Now it hosts Beerfest. Two thoughts immediately come to mind:

• Between alcohol and recovery, we see who won this battle…
• Beerfest was a guaranteed success knowing that they had an immediate client base already on site!

My day in court

You may or may not remember me talking about my last speeding ticket I got last March. Long story short, I was driving down Cathcart Way and got nailed going 56 in a 45. I got a ticket and subsequently an attorney and a court date.

I was pretty nervous about not getting this one dropped. It looked like a pretty solid case… for the state. I also had not one, but TWO tickets on deferral. If this ticket stuck, BAM! I suddenly have 3 tickets on my previously perfect record.

About 9:00 AM, I showed up for my 9:30 court date. No lawyer.

15 minutes later, still no lawyer. OK… interesting…

9:30 hits, “Please rise for the Honorable <some name>”. I stand, then I sit, and then I think to myself “where the f*** is my lawyer?!”

9:32 – roll call. They call my name… I say I am present but my attorney isn’t. Judge says, we’ll hold off on your case then. OK, that’s nice, thank you.

9:33 through 10:00 – All people with attorneys present their cases to the Judge, all dismissed.

10:00 – Judge checks to see if my attorney showed up yet. Nope.

10:00 through 10:40 – All people representing themselves present their case to the Judge and all are dismissed except for the guy who called the cop a Chicken Shit. My lawyer still hasn’t showed up.

10:40 – Court room is now empty. It’s me, the chick recording everything, the judge, and some other dude. We’re all twiddling our thumbs waiting for my attorney.

10:45 – Mystery dude walks up to me and says “what’s your name?” and then proceeds to tell me, after ruffling through his papers, oh ya, I guess I’m representing you today. Mitch wasn’t able to be here.

10:46 – I have this clown? WTF.

10:50 – This attorney gets up to please my case. He starts with “the stamp that shows this was submitted to the state isn’t clear. I motion for dismissal”. The judge replies “I see it clearly marked. Next motion.”

10:51 – “I’m f***ed” I think to myself.

10:52 – The attorney then decides to say “we requested a full discovery and the state never provided. I motion for dismissal”. The judge then says, “… and there was no sworn statement from the officer. Case dismissed.”

My question here is why the hell didn’t he start with THAT argument?! I sat in that courtroom for 2 hours and spent 2 minutes on my case. Don’t get me wrong… my case was dismissed and I’m stoked. But seriously, what a waste of my time.

“When I grow up, I want to be like Mommy”

Credit goes to http://whooptidew.com for this.