Personally, I find the duck the funniest. Get ready to waste 3 minutes and 38 seconds of your life.
You will never get that time back. For that, I am sorry.
Today’s Jackassery Award of the Day goes to an entire group. This group happens to be a crap load of Microsoft employees and vendors.
All the beta/RC testers for Windows 7 received an internal newsletter on feature highlights for the new operating system. Cool, I appreciate that. What I don’t appreciate is the fact that people started replying all to this massive distribution with thousands of people on it.
First suggestion: Don’t reply all. This is really email etiquette rule number 1. The “Reply All” button in Outlook, or any other email client, should be renamed “Annoy the holy hell out of people by clicking this stupid, worthless button”.
Second suggestion: Don’t reply all about the whole not-replying-all thing. This action makes you look like a bigger jackass then those guilty of violating the first suggestion. When you and all your colleagues send more “stop replying all” and “please take me off this distro” emails than those who originally replied all, you are way more annoying than the first jackass who was simply asking a question.
Third suggestion: Take this Jackassery Award of the Day and shove it up your own ass. Maybe it will make you cringe enough to disable you from typing any more replies. Everyone else can thank me later.
Jackassery!
Don’t worry, this series isn’t dead yet. So, check this out. You all should know about my feelings on retarded paint jobs, bumper stickers, and modifications to vehicles that have no benefit whatsoever, except to identify the jackassery of it’s owner.
Here’s a new one to add to the list.
I can’t seem to come to a decision whether this voids or validates the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”, but the fact remains, this guy (or girl, I don’t know), has pasted their entire car with feathers. That’s right, feathers.
What was going on in this person’s mind when they did this? I can’t tell you for certain, but here’s a few things that I came up with:
I think I’ve made my point on how much a jackass I think this guy is. Now, I encourage you to leave some comments with how YOU think this happened… especially if YOU are the owner of this Super Classy Car.
Only in America will we try to encourage a healthy habit by associating it to a fat-filled, grease-dripping, heart attack enducing goodness that is… you guess it… bacon.
Without further ado, I present to you (a very crappy picture) “BACON FLOSS”:
Jackass: Man, those guys over there look pretty scary. Oh crap… they have guns! I’m calling 911.
:::Jackass dials 911 on his cell:::
Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Jackass: There are two guys with guns approaching me.
Dispatcher: Can you tell me the location of where you are?
Jackass: I’m on the corner of 123rd & ABC Drive…. Actually, they are walking the other way now. I think we’re good. Thanks anyway.
:::Jackass closes his phone, but doesn’t realize the call didn’t hang up:::
Jackass: ‘Sup man. What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right.
:::The dispatcher, still listening, recognizes this is a slang term for heroine or cocaine. Why they know this, well, that’s another story. The dispatcher then calls the police to report the drug deal.:::
:::A few minutes later, an undercover cop shows up and the dispatcher redials Jackass’s cell phone to confirm which one he is.:::
Cop: You have the right to remain silent…
:::The cop found that Jackass was indeed carrying cocaine and then arrested him, taking him to jail:::
Moral of the story #1: If you are dealing drugs, you have to accept that people might carry guns in case a deal go bad. That, from a drug dealers eyes, is probably an acceptable risk. What is not an acceptable risk is getting cops involved in any way, shape, or form.
Moral of the story #2: Don’t be a f#@%ing Jackass!
One shouldn’t have to ask themselves “what is a truck for?” One should know that it is intended to haul shit, run over shit, and get out of shit that cars can’t.
What trucks are not: racing vehicles. Trucks should not be lowered, put on 20″ inch chromes, and DEFINITELY NOT HAVE A SPOILER INSTALLED!
If you have done any of the above 3 things, you are a freakin’ moron.
So, tell me, you posin’ lame-ass-turd-burglar, why the &%$# would you do this:
Freakin’ douchebag.
Seeing that there is nothing I love more than FAIL, I am going to start a new series rightfully titled “FAIL”. My goal here is to find stories of complete jackasses and do a recap of why they FAIL. Here is the first:
Preface: Daniel Stewart of St. Petersburg needs to leave his house for God-knows-what. Daniel decides it’s best to leave his 6 and 7 year old children at home.
Stewart: “Hey honey, Daddy has to make a run and will be back in a couple hours. Daddy can’t afford a babysitter, so I’m going to leave you with this bat, ax, and hunting knife in case you need any protection.
7 year old:
Stewart: “Don’t worry, you’ll know what to do when the time comes. Be back in a bit!”
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Shortly after Stewart leaves, the kid is staring at the bat, ax, and hunting knife.
7 year old: “What the f*** am I supposed to with this sh*t?!”
6 year old: “I dunno, let’s ask Mr. Rogers”
7 year old: “I should punch you in the neck. Mr. Rogers is dead, foo’! Let’s go show the neighbor what we got.”
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A few moments later, the kids show up at the neighbors house with the bat, ax, and hunting knife. They ring the doorbell and the neighbor answers.
Neighbor: “Hey kids, whatcha got there?…. Uh, seriously, what do you have? A bat… an ax… and a… hunting knife?”
7 year old: “Yeah, wassup biznatch? Gimme your wallet!”
6 year old: “Ah, he’s just messin’. We just got these for protection while Daddy’s out gettin’ some Ol’ E.”
Neighbor: “Uhhh… riiiiiight… I’ll be right back…”
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Now we fast forward to after the 911 call and the police are waiting for Stewart to come back. We’ll start back up where Stewart arrives:
Police Officer: “Mr. Stewart? Are these your children?”
Stewart: “Uh, no… never seen them before in my life.”
7 year old and 6 year old: “DADDY! The police man liked the protection you gave us so much he wanted to keep them. I told him his pig-ass had to ask you first.”
Stewart:
Police Officer: “Mr. Stewart… place your hands on your head…”
Not much to say about this one. In a nutshell, an 18 year old woman makes a deposit at a bank and accidently includes a bag of methamphetamine. Bank calls police, police find woman, woman arrested for possession.
I don’t have this woman’s name, but whoever she is, she gets the Jackassery Award of the Day.
Bill says Hillary is a “world class genius”. Tell me, would a genius do this? Check it out:
As many already know, Western Washington suffered quite the storm the last few days. We started off with some snow and then immediately a downpour of rain came down. In a 24 hour time period, some areas got almost 15 inches of rain, not including the already melting snow. We ended up having very large floods that shut down entire cities and a large section of I-5, our main freeway in the state with highest number of travelers on a day-to-day basis.
80,000 people without power. Highways shut down. Thousands upon thousands of people with homes completely flooded out. Those same thousands flooding (no pun intended) to local Red Cross shelters. 6 people died as a result of this storm.
Lo’ and behold, our trustworthy congressman Jay Inslee sent an email (actually, each person got two of them) explaining the impact of the storm and that “Residents whose homes have become uninhabitable due to flooding should go to the nearest shelter. Shelters can be found at the following locations…”
Hold up. Did this guy seriously just email instructions saying that if your “power is out and/or your house is flooded, go to a Red Cross”?
I shouldn’t have to call out the obvious here… If your house is flooded and/or your power is out, I don’t think you will have the ability to check your email to get this information! You’re probably just a little too busy trying to be rescued by the guys in the boats while you are standing on your roof.
Good thing my tax dollars were spent sending these emails to everyone in Western Washington. Not only that, but everyone I know who received this email actually got it twice. Sure one or two emails aren’t expensive, but when you send 2 emails to millions of residents in Western Washington, it adds up to a good sum of money. A good sum of money that could have been used on extra man-power to rescue the rest of the people still stuck on their roofs. You know, the ones that can’t check their email.
Jay Inslee, you win the Jackassery Award of the Day!
