Suspect

As most of you know, I am a consultant for Microsoft. As such, I get looped in on some emails that I find very entertaining. This is one I just received (with internal information edited of course):

Security Alert
Possible cougar sighting – employees should exercise caution

Investigators with Security have investigated the reported sighting of a suspected cougar in the vicinity of Building XX. An inspection of the area did not provide any evidence that a cougar or other large animal had been there, such as tracks or scratches on trees, but we are taking this report seriously nevertheless.

Microsoft Security will conduct frequent patrols of all wooded areas of the campus, and will work with the State Department of Fish & Wildlife and other experts to assess the situation and provide further updates if appropriate. In the meantime, we ask that all employees exercise appropriate caution, particularly in remote or wooded areas of campus.

If you see anything suspicious, please contact the Jenny at 867-5309.

For any threat to personal safety Dial 911 (or local emergency provider) and immediately contact on-site Security.

Um, a “suspected cougar”? “I don’t know for sure though. It could have been a cougar. Maybe a duck or platypus. Maybe even Man-Bear-Pig. I can’t say. But, since we like to blame local animals for wandering neighborhoods and business parks from which we stole from them in the first place, we’ll claim it’s a cougar.

Winkers

Personally, I find the duck the funniest.  Get ready to waste 3 minutes and 38 seconds of your life.

You will never get that time back.  For that, I am sorry.

Jackassery Award of the Day, Vol. 3

Today’s Jackassery Award of the Day goes to an entire group.  This group happens to be a crap load of Microsoft employees and vendors.

All the beta/RC testers for Windows 7 received an internal newsletter on feature highlights for the new operating system.  Cool, I appreciate that.  What I don’t appreciate is the fact that people started replying all to this massive distribution with thousands of people on it.

First suggestion: Don’t reply all.  This is really email etiquette rule number 1.  The “Reply All” button in Outlook, or any other email client, should be renamed “Annoy the holy hell out of people by clicking this stupid, worthless button”.

Second suggestion: Don’t reply all about the whole not-replying-all thing.  This action makes you look like a bigger jackass then those guilty of violating the first suggestion.  When you and all your colleagues send more “stop replying all” and “please take me off this distro” emails than those who originally replied all, you are way more annoying than the first jackass who was simply asking a question.

Third suggestion: Take this Jackassery Award of the Day and shove it up your own ass.  Maybe it will make you cringe enough to disable you from typing any more replies.  Everyone else can thank me later.

Jackassery!

Jackassery Award of the Day, vol. 2

I love my iPhone.  I have many apps that I find very useful.  Some entertaining.  Not because of the games, rather the potential of jackassery.

For example, I have the USA Today app.  USA Today pulled a classic “I fubarred the headline” move today:

Notice the headline says “Underdog Kris Allen emerges as new ‘American Idol’ champ”, and then right below it, you get the spoiler alert “Don’t read until you’ve watched”.

Um, you already spoiled it.  Good thing I am not an American Idol fan.  I’d be pissed if I was.  However, I am not a fan, so I just get a chuckle out it.

USA Today, you get the Jackassery Award of the Day.  Congratulations.

Super Classy Cars, Vol. 11

Don’t worry, this series isn’t dead yet.  So, check this out.  You all should know about my feelings on retarded paint jobs, bumper stickers, and modifications to vehicles that have no benefit whatsoever, except to identify the jackassery of it’s owner.

Here’s a new one to add to the list.

I can’t seem to come to a decision whether this voids or validates the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”, but the fact remains, this guy (or girl, I don’t know), has pasted their entire car with feathers.  That’s right, feathers.

What was going on in this person’s mind when they did this?  I can’t tell you for certain, but here’s a few things that I came up with:

• Feathers will make my car faster
• Feathers allow birds to fly, maybe I can fly too
• Oh, I know how can show support for gay birds!
• I’m a douchebag, and proud of it.  How can I tell the world…. ah, I’ve got an idea!
• OMG, the acid is kicking in.  The walls are melting and my car should be feathered.

I think I’ve made my point on how much a jackass I think this guy is.  Now, I encourage you to leave some comments with how YOU think this happened… especially if YOU are the owner of this Super Classy Car.

A new kind of floss…

Only in America will we try to encourage a healthy habit by associating it to a fat-filled, grease-dripping, heart attack enducing goodness that is… you guess it… bacon.

Without further ado, I present to you (a very crappy picture) “BACON FLOSS”:

Was this information helpful?

It really is a wonder how Microsoft stays in business sometimes.  Especially when  ”intuitive” error messages  such as this one appear in one of the most popular and widely used programs worldwide:

 

 

 

 

 

Did you really just ask me “was this information helpful?

Situations like this remind me of one of the best Futurama quotes, of which I believe Microsoft lives by:

“Our policy is that if you are unhappy for any reason, I hate you”.

Jackasses.

Super Classy Cars, Vol. 10

I am not a fan of bumper stickers.  To me, bumper stickers say “I am fully aware that my car sucks.  I am fully aware that the only way I can pretend that people on the road give a damn about my opinions is to put as many bumper stickers as I can on my car.  I am fully aware that I am a jackass.”

OK, maybe one bumper sticker is fine.  But when you have many bumper stickers, you become the aforementioned jackass.

This guy not only has 100’s of bumper stickers (the most I’ve ever seen at once), but has actually removed his spare tire to make room for more bumper stickers.  I don’t want to judge, but come on… wouldn’t you if you saw this:

Dogs are awesome

This is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time…

Stupid Monkey

I need no source links here.  Just look on any news site, channel, paper, what have you… You’ll read or see a bunch of people up in arms about this cartoon:

People are saying it’s racist and an outrage.  Especially the likes of Al Sharpton and those people that supposedly fight against racism.

Problem is, if these people had an ounce of intelligence in them, they’d realize that this cartoon is not racist against Obama.  It’s not even racist.

The quote in the cartoon says “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill” while showing a pic of a shot down monkey.  There are several inaccuracies when relating this to racism:

• They are comparing the monkey to the person who wrote the bill.  Sure, that would be easily translated as racism if a black person wrote it.  But… it was Nancy Pelosi who wrote it.  Last time I checked, she’s an old white lady.  Obama didn’t write it, he just signed it when it finally made it to his desk.
• Knowing that Nancy Pelosi wrote it, immediately assuming that the cartoon was aimed at Obama is an immediate racist act on it’s own just by assuming it was an attack on one’s color.  Al Sharpton, you are the one calling Obama a monkey.
• Relating a monkey to our brothers from different colored mothers is widely out of date.  We should all know this, especially after 8 years straight of comparing, name calling, sh*t talking, and defamating George W. Bush.  If anything, this cartoon could be considered as racist against white people since monkeys have now been referenced in regard to GWB and, when reading the cartoon intelligently, Nancy Pelosi.

In fact, here’s just a snapshot of what referring to a monkey has been for the last 8 years:

You now, besides the redneck white supremicists in the backwoods of our southern states who have no national voice, people of the United States have honored Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream and left racism behind us.  The people who have not left racism behind us are people like Al Sharpton, who still think the world is out to get him because of his skin color.

You want equal rights and eliminate racism?  Stop this bullshit and fight for something that is actually still an issue.  Why not be pissed off about someone insulting Nancy Pelosi’s or congress-in-general’s intelligence or making fun of the woman who had her face ripped off by a monkey?  Or, better yet, stop trying to put your burnt-out self back in the spotlight and just let it go.  Your work as an anti-racism activist is done, and has been for quite some time.

Now, Sharpton is trying to get the New York Post shut down for publishing this cartoon.  Yup, that’s real smart.  Let’s see… You misunderstood the cartoon, don’t have the intelligence to see who the cartoon was actually aimed at, and want to shut down a company forcing hundreds of people into the unemployment line in spite of a legitimate issue out there – our economy.

Who knows, maybe Nancy Pelosi wrote Sharpton’s speech and we’re all just sorely misunderstanding his statement.

Can’t we all just get along?