Suspect

As most of you know, I am a consultant for Microsoft. As such, I get looped in on some emails that I find very entertaining. This is one I just received (with internal information edited of course):

Security Alert
Possible cougar sighting – employees should exercise caution

Investigators with Security have investigated the reported sighting of a suspected cougar in the vicinity of Building XX. An inspection of the area did not provide any evidence that a cougar or other large animal had been there, such as tracks or scratches on trees, but we are taking this report seriously nevertheless.

Microsoft Security will conduct frequent patrols of all wooded areas of the campus, and will work with the State Department of Fish & Wildlife and other experts to assess the situation and provide further updates if appropriate. In the meantime, we ask that all employees exercise appropriate caution, particularly in remote or wooded areas of campus.

If you see anything suspicious, please contact the Jenny at 867-5309.

For any threat to personal safety Dial 911 (or local emergency provider) and immediately contact on-site Security.

Um, a “suspected cougar”? “I don’t know for sure though. It could have been a cougar. Maybe a duck or platypus. Maybe even Man-Bear-Pig. I can’t say. But, since we like to blame local animals for wandering neighborhoods and business parks from which we stole from them in the first place, we’ll claim it’s a cougar.

Awkward Coffee

It’s been a long day at work. We had a big release that didn’t go quite as well as planned, but we finally got our site up and running. Once that was done, it was time to start testing the site in production. Needless to say, it’s been a crazy day which has worn me out. About 2:45 in the afternoon, I’m getting tired.

It’s time for coffee. Oh yes, coffee time. Luckily, there is a barista onsite at work. I walk on over.

So far, so good.

As I walk up to the barista, I see her staring at me. I get to the counter, and you know, since she was staring at me, I figured she was waiting to take my order.

“Can I get a 16oz iced caramel macchiato please?” I ask.

She slowly raises her phone to her ear and holds up her other hand and says to me “hang on a second”. She then starts talking on her phone for about a minute.

The barista then hangs up and has me repeat the order. I hand her the money and then go stand by the wall to wait for my coffee.

When I got to the wall, I noticed a guy standing about 6 feet away from me. He was singing, yes – SINGING, about Spiderman and Aquaman capes. Nevermind the fact that neither of these comic book characters wear caps. The fact is, this guy was literally singing about Spiderman and Aquaman capes. Not cool.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, another guy who ordered his coffee after me came and stood by me at the wall. Now, when I say “he came and stood by me”, I mean he really stood by me. Straight up invaded my personal bubble and was leaning against me.

I lean forward and looking over to the right giving him a completely blatant visual queue that he had at least 5 feet between him and Mr. I-sing-about-Spiderman-and-Aquaman-capes where he could stand without violating my personal space and setting off my gaydar. He notices me giving this “hint” and looks back at me and says “Sup”. I then nonchalantly step over to my left, to the extent that he was no longer jumping my border, and returned the greeting.

Needless to say, as soon as I got my coffee, I was out of there like Speedy Gonzales.

You’d think that this was some creepy coffee stand in some metropolitan area, but no, this was the in-house Starbucks in the Microsoft cafeteria.

Very awkward.

Losin’ it

This is an actual email chain between me and coworkers today.  Read it from the bottom up.  Losin’ it?  You decide.

Jackassery Award of the Day, Vol. 3

Today’s Jackassery Award of the Day goes to an entire group.  This group happens to be a crap load of Microsoft employees and vendors.

All the beta/RC testers for Windows 7 received an internal newsletter on feature highlights for the new operating system.  Cool, I appreciate that.  What I don’t appreciate is the fact that people started replying all to this massive distribution with thousands of people on it.

First suggestion: Don’t reply all.  This is really email etiquette rule number 1.  The “Reply All” button in Outlook, or any other email client, should be renamed “Annoy the holy hell out of people by clicking this stupid, worthless button”.

Second suggestion: Don’t reply all about the whole not-replying-all thing.  This action makes you look like a bigger jackass then those guilty of violating the first suggestion.  When you and all your colleagues send more “stop replying all” and “please take me off this distro” emails than those who originally replied all, you are way more annoying than the first jackass who was simply asking a question.

Third suggestion: Take this Jackassery Award of the Day and shove it up your own ass.  Maybe it will make you cringe enough to disable you from typing any more replies.  Everyone else can thank me later.

Jackassery!

Jackassery Award of the Day, vol. 2

I love my iPhone.  I have many apps that I find very useful.  Some entertaining.  Not because of the games, rather the potential of jackassery.

For example, I have the USA Today app.  USA Today pulled a classic “I fubarred the headline” move today:

Notice the headline says “Underdog Kris Allen emerges as new ‘American Idol’ champ”, and then right below it, you get the spoiler alert “Don’t read until you’ve watched”.

Um, you already spoiled it.  Good thing I am not an American Idol fan.  I’d be pissed if I was.  However, I am not a fan, so I just get a chuckle out it.

USA Today, you get the Jackassery Award of the Day.  Congratulations.

A new kind of floss…

Only in America will we try to encourage a healthy habit by associating it to a fat-filled, grease-dripping, heart attack enducing goodness that is… you guess it… bacon.

Without further ado, I present to you (a very crappy picture) “BACON FLOSS”:

Genius of Website Diagrams

Note: If you are not a Business Analyst or Developer, you will not appreciate this post.  If you are not one of these, just close the window or read another post.

Today I’m sitting at work, updating a functional requirements document, when I notice I need to update a site diagram.

Knowing this, I right-click and validate my assumption the diagram is an embedded Visio document.  I choose Visio Object –> Edit.

The diagram opens in Visio and I locate the section I need to update.

Wait, what’s this?  This wasn’t built in Visio at all!  The original author of this damn thing took a screenshot of someone else’s site diagram and pasted it into Visio!

WTF!  Why in the hell would you do this?!  Freakin’ jackassery!  Now I have to rebuild this whole site diagram because you, whoever you are, were a lazy bum.

Was this information helpful?

It really is a wonder how Microsoft stays in business sometimes.  Especially when  ”intuitive” error messages  such as this one appear in one of the most popular and widely used programs worldwide:

 

 

 

 

 

Did you really just ask me “was this information helpful?

Situations like this remind me of one of the best Futurama quotes, of which I believe Microsoft lives by:

“Our policy is that if you are unhappy for any reason, I hate you”.

Jackasses.

Super Classy Cars, Vol. 10

I am not a fan of bumper stickers.  To me, bumper stickers say “I am fully aware that my car sucks.  I am fully aware that the only way I can pretend that people on the road give a damn about my opinions is to put as many bumper stickers as I can on my car.  I am fully aware that I am a jackass.”

OK, maybe one bumper sticker is fine.  But when you have many bumper stickers, you become the aforementioned jackass.

This guy not only has 100’s of bumper stickers (the most I’ve ever seen at once), but has actually removed his spare tire to make room for more bumper stickers.  I don’t want to judge, but come on… wouldn’t you if you saw this:

Facebook is a Love/Hate Thing…

…I personally love it.  My buddy, the Cranky Monkey – well, let’s just say he’s not a fan.  CM was quoting an article on MSNBC that I found quite amusing.  I didn’t have much to blog about today, so I figured I’d give the rebuttal to this article.

Article comment #1: Facebook fosters the illusion that every person you know actually cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

Article rebuttal #1: Actually, not much of a rebuttal here.  I don’t care about your Nikes, I don’t care if you want to take a nap.  I do, however, care if you have a funny quote or something that will actually entertain me.  Leading by example, my current status reads: “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s easier than helping someone move. Just go over there and make sure he doesn’t load anything in a truck.”

Article comment #2: Nobody cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

Article rebuttal #2: Refer to Article rebuttal #1

Article comment #3: If you join Facebook to find out what your kids are up to, you might actually find out what your kids are up to.

Article rebuttal #3: If you are a good parent, you already know what your kids are up to.  If you have to get on the interweb to find out what your kids are doing, someone should be monitoring your actions, or inaction, as a parent.

Article comment #4: You don’t want to find out what your kids are up to.

Article rebuttal #4: I’m on #4 and I’m quickly finding out the author of this article may not be qualified to be an editor for a national news site.  They are repeating comments to take up space.  Refer to Article rebuttal #3.

Article comment #5: Unless, of course, you want to find photos of your 19-year-old daughter making out with another 19-year-old coed for the edification of a bunch of 19-year old dudes doing beer bongs. (That’s age 19, if you’re lucky.)

Article rebuttal #5: If you’re kid is 19, you shouldn’t be monitoring what they are doing.  If you are still monitoring them, you are too obsessive and need to let go and let your kid be an adult.

Article comment #6: You can announce your divorce on Facebook via the heart icon thingy.

Article rebuttal #6: How about sticking to a commitment for once and not getting a divorce?  Maybe then you won’t have to tell everyone you are getting one.

Article comment #7: Don’t announce your divorce on Facebook.

Article rebuttal #7: Refer to Article rebuttal #6.

Article comment #8: Don’t announce your divorce on Facebook for a number of reasons, the least of which is that all your “friends” will respond on your “wall” with sympathies that in a different era would’ve been delivered in privacy. You wouldn’t console somebody by shouting across a room full of people. Why are you doing it on a Facebook “wall?”

Article rebuttal #8: Refer to Article rebuttal #6 and #7.  I’m getting tired of this referring thing.

Article comment #9: You people take Facebook way too seriously.

Article rebuttal #9: Who?

Article comment #10: A woman was killed after changing her relationship status on Facebook.

Article rebuttal #10: Facebook doesn’t determine the mental stability of people.  This maniac would have done what he was going to do anyway.  Stop blaming the wrong people.

Article comment #11: Remember that Burger King “Whopper Sacrifice” application that allegedly offered a free Whopper coupon for every 10 friends you dumped? Well, you probably shouldn’t have dumped a couple of your oldest friends, two of which are hardcore vegans. At least one of them didn’t find it hilarious at all and now they won’t “re-friend” you.

Article rebuttal #11: If you are willing to dump your friends for a free whopper, you need to be paid a visit by the maniac in Article comment #10.

Article comment #12: If you join Facebook to find people you used to know, you’re just as likely to find your middle school BFF Jill as you are to reignite the passions of that one guy from Photography class who has been stalking you since junior college.

Article rebuttal #12: No one is forcing you to hit “Accept” on the friend request you freakin’ douchebag.

Article comment #13: “Don’t Get Botox”

Article rebuttal #13: “Don’t Get Botox”

Article comment #14: Facebook can get you fired. Yes, you. Just like you are not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone, you are not that one person who is in no danger of getting fired for something stupid posted by or about you on Facebook.

Article rebuttal #14: Try not posting anything that will get you fired.  Jackass.

Article comment #15: What’s more, your boss is on Facebook. If you join, you’re going to have to decide whether to accept his or her “friendship.” If you accept, you risk losing your job for something he or she stumbles upon. If you attempt to play it safe by not accepting your boss’s “friendship,”  you risk losing your job for offending him or her.

Article rebuttal #15: If you feel like ignoring, your boss will get over it.  I’ve never heard of anyone getting fired for keeping business and personal life separate.  Even if that did happen, chances are you are burnt out and need a new job anyway.  Oh, you were fired?  Great, now you’re eligible for those increased unemployment benefits from new stimulus package.

Article comment #16: Oh, and you’re also at risk of alienating your oldest friends by bumping their rank in your “Always show these friends” box. We’re talking your adult friends, like, in their 30s and 40s, with jobs and kids and all kinds of grown-up responsibilities.

Article rebuttal #16: Most likely these are the friends that you are willing to dump for a free Whopper.  Everyone will get over it.  Except for the maniac from Article comment #10.

Article comment #17: Your otherwise grown-up friends are angry at you for bumping their “Always show these friends” rank because obviously you’re trying to communicate some kind of super secret Facebook message along the lines of, “I value your friendship two-people less today than I did yesterday.” It’s like watching your friendship stock plummet.

Article rebuttal #17: OK, this redundant commenting is getting on my nerves.  Refer to Article rebuttal #16.

Article comment #18: The esteemed widow of former Emperor of Malawi did not just send you a “friend” request, nor is she bearing a unique and prosperous offer straight out of Nigeria just for you.

Article rebuttal #18: I’ve never received BS like this.  These scams are a MySpace and Hotmail Junk folder issue.  Not Facebook.

Article comment #19: And while we’re on the subject, I’VE JUST BEEN HELD UP AT GUNPOINT IN LONDON AND I NEED YOU TO SEND ME $600 NOW!!!!!

Article rebuttal #19: The author is cleverly disguising Article comment #18 as a new comment.  I can see through the bullshit.

Article comment #20: Facebook is most concerned about Your Privacy. (And the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny are friends!)

Article rebuttal #20: If you had an ounce of intelligence in you, you’d know that no one cares about your privacy.  They just say that so you’ll shut up.  Again, don’t put anything self deprecating or personally identifiable about yourself that could lead to hacked accounts, financial ruin, whatever.  Would you do this in normal conversation?  No.  Would you do this in any type of electronic communication?  No.  Why do this on something everyone can see then?  Oh, maybe because you are a douchbag.

Article comment #21: Don’t connect your Facebook and Twitter accounts. People you haven’t heard from for, like, seven years — people you never thought you were friends with — will leave lame and annoying comments on your Tweets.

Article rebuttal #21: Most people get on Facebook or whatever social network to get in touch with people.  It’s an acceptable risk.

Article comment #22: It’s like, hey, if you want to rekindle the friendship I never thought we had, call me or at least send a private e-mail. Jeez.

Article rebuttal #22: If you are that sensitive about the method of communication, you have the option to email a reply privately.  You have options.  Jeez.

Article comment #23: OK, the cool thing about having your Facebook and Twitter accounts connected is that your Tweets show up as your status updates. But then, if people respond on Twitter and maybe ask you something, and you respond via Twitter, it shows up as your Facebook status, and that’s annoying.

Article rebuttal #23: That’s a technical issue.  Complain to Twitter and Facebook tech support.

Article comment #24: While you’re sending zombie challenges to all your “friends,” there’s a guy in Egypt using Facebook to foment democracy.

Article rebuttal #24: If you are spending your time on zombie challenges, chances are you probably don’t care about some guy fomenting democracy.  There’s even a higher chance that you aren’t qualified to take on the guy that is fomenting democracy.  Leave it to the professionals and you don’t have to worry wasting your precious zombie time.

Article comment #25: Eventually, someone will post photos from your high school yearbook. Dang, your hair was big.

Article rebuttal #25: Fine with me.  I like to reminisce about the time when I had hair.

Rooster’s final thoughts:

You only have to involve yourself in stuff you want to involve yourself in.  You have options to participate or not participate.  No one is forcing you to do anything.

If you are going to publicly and nationally advertise your issues with Facebook, make sure you are fully qualified to be an editor of such an article.  This means that you can take your 25 comments, eliminate redundancy, and post your 12, maybe 13 comments so as not to bore your readers.  The author can learn from people like CM and myself.  Make your point and be done with it.  Jackass.