Tied

Today I got all dressed up for a court appearance (contesting a speeding ticket).  Wearing nice shoes, slacks, button up shirt, and a tie.

Very uncomfortable.

With a mind as, well, how do I put it… empathetic yet controversial as it is, takes this dressing up versus uncomfortableness thing and tries to make sense of it.  I try to put myself in the “the man’s shoes” and figure out the reason they came up with their jackass ideas.  I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

Why couldn’t “the man” (whoever he was, or whoever the group was collectively) just think about all the people on a hot summer day and decide shorts and a t-shirt was the nice and respectful thing to wear at events such as court, places of business, or any other special event?  This is my conspiracy: They did it to piss me off.

So anyway, here I am, it’s hot out and I’m wearing an entire suit minus the jacket.  Uncomfortable as I can possibly be.

What a stupid idea.  Why can’t we be more like India where their nice attire is comfortable and breathable.  Like the Kurta:

I vote that this country takes on a new endeavor to challenge this practice and blow this custom out of the water.  The Kurta would be an improvement, but I like the shorts and a t-shirt idea much better.

Who’s with me?

Arachnophobia

It’s about 10:00 PM and my wife and I decided to go outside for “before bed” cigarette.  As we went outside, we stepped through the sliding glass door and almost immediately, my wife got the worst look of fear on her face I have seen.  She jumped at me and almost plowed right through me.

I’m wondering… WTF?!

My wife then points, speechless, right to the door jam.

Oh.

My.

God.

Next up to caged tarantula’s, this was the biggest freakin’ spider I have ever seen in my life.  It was literally the size of my hand, fingers included.

This was the first time I have ever had to resort to killing something with an axe.  That’s right, a motherf#@%ing axe.

This spider had to be killed with something that is meant to take down trees!

Um, ya.  Sweet dreams…

Trojans and Viruses

i·ro·ny1 [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]  a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.

I got a pretty bad virus on my work computer yesterday.  In fact, I’m pretty good at handling this stuff, but this one ended being beyond me, and quite possibly my IT guy as well.  He’s been trying to fix it since 8:00 AM this morning.  It is now 1:00 PM. 

This virus hit, and very quickly found that my entire computer was hijacked: My control panel disabled, All Programs folder gone, disabled task manager, desktop taken over by Active Desktop that covered my whole screen as a link to a malicious site, and endless fake security warnings that were trying to “scan” my computer – which, after searching Google, I found that it is scanning for passwords and financial information to pass over to Mr. Hacker.

Awesome!

So, I disabled all internet connection immediately, rebooted in SAFE mode, and ran a full system scan with Spybot Search & Destroy.  Spybot found 15 trojans.  The viruses caused by these trojans were too powerful and deep in the system for Spybot to kill them. 

This leaves me now waiting on tech support, who is starting to get grimmer about the results.  We may need to completely re-image the laptop.  Even more AWESOME!

Now you are probably wondering why I wrote the definition of irony at the top of this post.  You are probably thinking to yourself “this has nothing to do with irony!”.  Well, yes it does.

This whole situation has got me thinking about real world versus computer world scenarios:

• In computer world, trojans cause viruses. 
• In the real world, trojans prevent viruses.

That gets me thinking… someone is really misusing the term “trojan” here, and by definition, I don’t think it’s the computer world…

Some laws actually have good reason

Four words:  Secure your motherf***ing load!!!

We have a law to secure loads for good reason.  If you don’t secure your mothf***ing load, your sh*t will fly out and cause damage, injury, or death.  All because you are too f***ing lazy to tie your sh*t down.

This morning I was on my way to work when a white bucket flew out of someone’s truck a couple cars ahead of me.  It looked like it was rolling over to the side and out of my way, but a semi drove by and the wind knocked it straight in front of my car and i hit at about 40 mph…  I hit it twice, first time it bounced back in front of me and then came back for round two.  It was a 5 gallon bucket versus a 3300 pound car… guess who won?

At least I won this battle.  I’m sure there was an accident shortly after as I looked in my rear view mirror and saw cars swerving to miss it.  So, I called the department of transportation to advise of a “cleanup” need.

Luckily, my fate wasn’t like either of the links I provided above, but I did get some scuffs.  They look like they’ll buff out, so this still ended well at least.  Just frustrating as hell.

I’ll say it again… secure your motherf***ing load!!!!

Hi, I’m here for the gangbang

Ever wonder what the thought process is when someone goes to a gangbang for the first time?  Me either.  But if I did, I would imagine it would be something like this.

Check it out here

Men’s Room Etiquette… Serious Violation!

As anyone who reads this blog or The Cranky Monkey knows, we have a serious issue with Men’s Room Etiquette violations.  Today was no exception.

I go into the men’s room and no one is there.  I follow the first of many rules and take the urinal on the end (yes, the short urinal).  Shortly after, some dude walks in and takes the urinal right next to me.

First violation.

Dude proceeds to unzip, whip it out, and do his business.  As he does this, he slams his hands above his head and against the wall.

Second violation.

As if that wasn’t enough, this dude then turns his head towards me and let’s out a giant sigh of relief.

Third violation!

Dude, you change your ways or you will inevitably cause the destruction of mankind. 

How you ask?  It’s quite simple.  Turn your sound up and watch this video.

Stupid dog

That stupid dog of mine did it again. Two months ago, Parker (the dog) decided to eat a cat toy and got it stuck in his intestines. Long story short, he was going to die if we didn’t go into immediate surgery. After 3 days of non-stop puking all over the house and my car, surgery happened, and $2000 later we had a slimy cat toy and a tennis ball that had been in his stomach for several months.

So, dumbass dog stopped eating 2 nights ago. Last night he started throwing up, and then kept throwing up all night long. Super.

I called the vet this morning and made an appointment. I went in around 9:00 AM and by 9:30 AM I got the news. X-rays showed there was something stuck in his intestines. It appeared to be cloth like and was visually apparent that it was causing major disruption through his body…. Which explains the gas lately? Yes, I think it does.

Here is my advice to all you people that are thinking about getting a dog: Don’t get a Labrador. They are loveable and cute and are faithful to you for life… but they are stupid as hell. My dog eats socks, cat toys, and tennis balls. My buddy’s chocolate lab ate pop cans – sometimes with the soda still in it. My dad’s yellow lab eats rocks. Knowing this, don’t get a freaking Labrador. It’s not worth it. Stop yourself before you get attached to one.

Update: I just got a call from the vet.  Turns out they found a chunk of bone and my step-daughter’s underwear.  Great.  Just great.

Cheaters

16 years. 10 years married. 10 years this son-of-a-bitch lived off of my sister. He has used her for all her money, her house, everything. He’s caused problems in the family since day one by being a loud-mouthed, alcoholic, drug-addicted jackass.

I’m not one for divorce. In fact, I won’t even let that word in my house. Then again, I am not a cheating f***face either. I don’t cheat friends and family, and I sure as hell don’t cheat on my wife.

I guess that’s where we differ Shane. You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You just made the biggest mistake of your life. Now my sister is dropping your ass. You will have nothing left but this whore of a 19 year old tramp.

You are what, 33 years old? What do have to show for yourself? Jail time, at least 8 years of unemployment under your belt, and the only things you have ever “owned” my sister paid for. Not to mention that big ol’ scar above your eye which is the result of your own stupidity of trying to cheat before.

Consider yourself lucky that she has put up with your shit this long. Now you are going to have a wakeup call. You are going to find out what life is really about. Have fun on the streets. Have fun dealing with lawyers. Have fun finding out what deeper than rock bottom is like.

Newspapers

Time for another rant.  It’s another bathroom annoyance.  This is about the “Newspaper Guy”.

The Newspaper Guy is the one who goes to the restroom at work, and when doing so, brings a newspaper.  He reads his paper while dropping the kids off at the pool.  When he’s done, he then leaves the newspaper on the ground and leaves.  Probably without even washing his hands.  Sick bastard.

So, Newspaper Guy is gone, but the newspaper remains.  The newspaper is sitting on the bathroom floor, absorbing all the nasty fecal and whatever-else-you-can-think-of bacteria.

Then the next guy comes in.  Maybe it’s the same Newspaper Guy, maybe it’s not.  I don’t know how much chili he ate last night.  Either way, this guy grabs that germ-infested newspaper and reads it himself while he drops his kids off at the pool so they can go play with Newspaper Guy #1’s kids (because at this rate, you know #1 never flushed the toilet and Newspaper Guy #2 didn’t bother flushing before he sat down).

Now we have Newspaper Guy who didn’t wash his hands, the covered-in-fecal-matter newspaper, and Newspaper Guy #2 spreading the nastiness. 

Once Newspaper Guy #2 is done doing his business, he has a thought of courtesy by not dropping the newspaper on the ground again, but because of his stupidity, he just tucks away the newspaper in the toilet seat cover storage compartment.

What just happened you ask?  Well, first off, if that is your question, then chances are you are Newspaper Guy and I hate you… but anyway, now the fecal-infested-man-cheese-ass-herpe-bacteria-infected newspaper is rubbin’ up on the toilet seat covers, which as we know, are designed to protect the clean man’s ass from the aforementioned nastiness.  Now the only source of protection is now the enemy.

Let’s fast forward a bit…. Now it’s my turn to use the restroom.  I walk in, I see the newspaper tucked away in the toilet seat cover compartment.  A wave of dismay comes over me because alas, I cannot do my business here unless I want all this spread-nastiness rubbin’ up on my ass.

No thank you.  Instead, I’d rather risk the pain of holding it until I find a clean restroom, whether it be a minute or 8 hours later, then to sit on the germ-warfarewaged-on-humanity-by-the-Newspaper-Guys toilet seat cover.

Damn you Newspaper Guy.  Damn you straight to hell.  This blog should be posted on the front page of Seattle Times.

DSHS

I have never been one to support government agencies based on their absolute worthlessness and waste of our tax money.  This story just supports my negative conotations towards them.  This time it is DSHS, otherwise knows as Department of Social and Health Services. 

Long story short, in case you don’t want to read the entire story, is that DSHS was called multiple times to address the abuse of a 5 year old boy who was beaten and starved as a method of discipline by his dad and his girlfriend.  This boy’s appearance was likened to a Jew in a concentration camp of the Holocaust. 

DSHS failed to respond to multiple reports of this boys condition.  He was reported at 38 pounds when he was 3 years old and then at 22 pounds at 4 years old.  Bruises all over.  One of the worst cases of child abuse that the Snohomish County Sherriff’s Department has seen.

It took a Sherriff to finally take care of this situation getting the boy in protective custody and legal action against the parents and against DSHS.

The problem is that only the select few at DSHS were targeted: 2 resigned, 2 are facing “disciplinary action”.  Sorry, but the entire DSHS should be investigated and criminally prosecuted.  I can guarantee this is not the only situation like this.

In fact, I know 10 year boy who gets beaten by his mom, is deathly afraid of her, and his dad – whom used to be a great friend of mine but now is not - is totally addicted to coke and meth and moved to Arizona just to get away from it.  My wife called DSHS on the mom and all they did was an interview with the mom.  They never even interviewed the kid.  The case was released for “insufficient information”.  Now the kid has to continually deal with this abuse because of the incompetency of our government agencies.

This makes me sick.  It’s really sad to know that a Sherriff’s department acted quicker then an agency that is dedicated to the health and welfare of children.  Yup, a Sherriff’s department who, among all other forms of law enforcement, are notorious for being incredibly slow to respond to real crimes, was faster to act then DSHS.

Yet, if I was to take this situation into my own hands, I would be put in jail for “trying to be above the law”, and thus would not be able to take care of my own family.

Makes me sick.