I did not write the following masterpiece.  This is brought to you by Mike Lacher and found here. Enjoy.

Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.

You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

Tired of phantom signal, call failed, and when I finally got a call through, the call dropping, I ditched AT&T and went to Verizon.  Verizon has incredible service.  It just works.  Everywhere.  People still claim AT&Ts 3G network is twice as fast, and that may be true when you are in that one perfect location between the city and the suburbs where you are still connected to a plethora of towers but not in a congested area.  Problem is, I’m never in that area except when I’m commuting home.

Since I loved my iPhone so much and Verizon doesn’t have it, I went for the Motorola Droid, supposedly the only device that could meet or beat the iPhone.  Now it’s 3 months later and I can finally give a fair review of the Droid.

As you probably know, the slogan for this relatively new device is “Droid Does”.  The slogan is intended to slam the Apple by saying it does all this stuff the iPhone doesn’t.  I’m going to use this slogan to expose the reality of the device.

Droid does (good):

• Have great voice and data coverage.  The only place I have not had 3G voice and data coverage is deep in the middle of a Microsoft high-rise.
• Have a 5mp camera with flash.
• Google Navigation is awesome.  It works as good as any established navigation unit such as TomTom or Navigon… but it’s free with the Droid.

Droid does (bad):

• Multi-tasking/simultaneous app services.  Sure it’s nice running Pandora and not have it completely shut down if a call/SMS/email comes through (ahem, iPhone), but the Droid does not handle running multiple apps well.  It runs too many, chugs along, freezes up, and then randomly reboots.  This continues to be an issue, even with the “Automatic Task Killer” app that I downloaded from the marketplace, however, is at least reduced to only once daily.
• Have apps without design (graphical and development) quality.  A huge benefit to Apple’s proprietary App Store and single device platform is that all developers build apps for the same device (note that the 2G, 3G, and 3Gs iPhone are all, or should be running the same firmware).  Since there are dozens of different Android devices with different software and firmware versions, very few apps work across the board.  This results in crashes, designs for different software versions and resolution types.  I would say that only 2 or 3 out of 10 apps are actually usable and built well.  The rest involve downloading, installing, having some sort of bad experience, and then uninstalling.  Overall, a big waste of time in general.  Not to mention, there is no “standard” design, so most apps tend to be very ugly.
• Have a buggy screen lock.  While on a call, the screen locks, but it makes it appear as though it’s not locked, and then any button you press that you would normally be able to use just blacks the screen out.
• Having the ability to download free ringtones is cool, but you have to download an app for it, and when you do, the ringtones aren’t saved to the phone so that you can select new tones in the standard settings.  This means you have to go to two different locations to get your sound config just how you like it.  Annoying.
• Has privacy concerns.  A friend of mine on Facebook referred to Google as Skynet (you know, the company that built the Terminator which ended up taking over the world and destroying mankind through nuclear war).  I think there is some major truth in that.  Every app you download wants to have access to your location, email, contacts, bla bla bla…
• Voice recognition.  Who’s voice? Not mine.
• Smart favorites.  The “Favorites” list in your contacts is supposed to automatically populate with your most frequently dialed numbers, along with the ones you set as your favorites.  Plain and simple, it doesn’t work.  Numbers I’ve called once in 3 months are at the top of my list, but the numbers I call daily, somehow get removed.
• Email.  The native mail app sucks.  It only supports IMAP, and even then you only get your inbox.  No folders.  I like to keep my mail organized, so this doesn’t work for me.
• Bluetooth.  Bluetooth connections are so bad for phone calls that it sounds like you are using AT&Ts service again.  Ya, that bad. Take it off Bluetooth and go to the handset, service is clear as a bell again.
• Battery life.  Half of what the iPhone had.  Motorola advertises talk time at about 5 hours.  I get maybe 2.5-3 hours if I’m lucky.  Standby time is about 8 hours without heavily using the phone.

I could go on, but you are probably getting bored and get the point: Droid does… suck.  If you are thinking about buying one, don’t.  Maybe other Android phones are better, maybe they’re not.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that Windows Mobile 7 Series is my next best bet, but unfortunately that isn’t coming out until September.

Features and accessories include:

• Power flow rapid charger
• iMidol app to resolve bloated caching issues, which are expected to occur once a month
• Carrying case with super-absorbent protection
• Tiered drives with light, medium, and super capacity

It wasn’t intended, but it has become evident the new iPad will target the female demographic.  Turns out that when the iPad was presented to the public, men had cringed, stayed quiet, and avoided the topic entirely.

Source: http://news.zdnet.com/2422-19178_22-387489.html

Authors note: Ya, that’s right, I had to get my iPad:menstrual jokes out there before they were played out.

I just went out for a smoke break. On my way down 22 floors, the elevator stopped 6 times. Of those 6 times, only 1 person got on.

This means there were 5 people on various floors who hit the call button and then changed their mind on taking the elevator. Thanks, you now extended my trip by 3 minutes. At least I was on my way for a smoke and not running to a meeting for which I would have ended up being late.

Then, that one person who did get on stands within 6 inches of me, right in front. Why do you feel the need to crowd my personal space when you have another 10 cubic feet to choose from? P.S. you smell like microwaved fish.

To top it off, once I arrived at the lobby floor, there are the people who walk right in the elevator without waiting for people inside to get out first.

Elavator etiquette people… try it. Otherwise, one of two things will happen next time I am “blessed” with your presence:

1) If I am the only one in the elevator, and I see you running to catch it, I’ll return the favor by repeatedly hitting the “close button” and make you miss your ride.

2) If there are several people in the elevator, I’ll invade your personal space, rip one, and then call you out on it so everyone thinks it was you.

Jackasses, thanks for making my day happy.

Overheard in the Microsoft boardroom:

Ballmer: DAMN IT! Why can’t we beat google!?

Lackey: Well, we’ve done a lot of research and it appears that it could be due to their logo.

Ballmer: THEIR LOGO?

Lackey: Yes, you see…it’s just not a very good logo.

Ballmer: THAT’S IT! GET WORKING ON A REALLY BAD LOGO. STAT! WE WILL BEAT GOOGLE AT THEIR OWN GAME. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

There you have it.  It’s not ugly because they lack graphic design skills, it’s a strategy to beat Google!

I came home Friday night to find a cord of wood neatly stacked on my lawn, but all the branches were gone. Hm, nice… I got me some firewood!

Just to make sure it wasn’t going to be picked up later, I emailed my HOA:

<HOA> sent some guys to cut trees down in my yard and the community yard right next to me yesterday and they left all the wood here.  Is someone going to pick up the wood, or is it up for grabs for firewood?

Tonight I got this reply:

The County requires us to leave the trees in the native areas to become part of the natural habitat.  If you have any questions please call me.

Uh, really?  So why is it all neatly cut up just like firewood and stacked on my lawn?  Either the “experts” who cut the tree down didn’t get the memo, or the HOA is completely unaware that the tree they cut down was on my property AND left the remnants on my side of the property line.

That’s my wood now bitches.

Of course, this is all true if you believe non-factual, no-evidence, apocalyptic theories.  Here’s an article debunking these theories straight from NASA:

2012 – A Scientific Reality Check

11.10.09

On December 16, 1992, 8 days after its encounter with Earth, the Galileo spacecraft looked back from a distance of about 6.2 million kilometers (3.9 million miles) to capture this remarkable view of the Moon in orbit about Earth. Image credit: NASA/JPL There apparently is a great deal of interest in celestial bodies, and their locations and trajectories at the end of the calendar year 2012. Now, I for one love a good book or movie as much as the next guy. But the stuff flying around through cyberspace, TV and the movies is not based on science. There is even a fake NASA news release out there… So here is the scientific reality on the celestial happenings in the year 2012.

Nibiru, a purported large object headed toward Earth, simply put – does not exist. There is no credible evidence – telescopic or otherwise – for this object’s existence. There is also no evidence of any kind for its gravitational affects upon bodies in our solar system.

I do however like the name Nibiru. If I ever get a pet goldflish (and I just may do that sometime in early 2013), Nibiru will be at the top of my list.

The Mayan calendar does not end in December 2012. Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period, but then – just as your calendar begins again on January 1 – another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

There are no credible predictions for worrisome astronomical events in 2012. The activity of the sun is cyclical with a period of roughly 11 years and the time of the next solar maximum is predicted to occur in the period 2010 – 2012. However, the Earth routinely experiences these periods of increased solar activity – for eons – without worrisome effects. The Earth’s magnetic field, which deflects charged particles from the sun, does reverse polarity on time scales of about 400,000 years but there is no evidence that a reversal, which takes thousands of years to occur, will begin in 2012. Even if this several thousand year-long magnetic field reversal were to begin, that would not affect the Earth’s rotation nor would it affect the direction of the Earth’s rotation axis… only Superman can do that.

The only important gravitational tugs experienced by the Earth are due to the moon and sun. There are no planetary alignments in the next few decades, Earth will not cross the galactic plane in 2012, and even if these alignments were to occur, their effects on the Earth would be negligible. Each December the Earth and Sun align with the approximate center of the Milky Way Galaxy but that is an annual event of no consequence.

The predictions of doomsday or dramatic changes on December 21, 2012 are all false. Incorrect doomsday predictions have taken place several times in each of the past several centuries. Readers should bear in mind what Carl Sagan noted several years ago; “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”

For any claims of disaster or dramatic changes in 2012, the burden of proof is on the people making these claims. Where is the science? Where is the evidence? There is none, and all the passionate, persistent and profitable assertions, whether they are made in books, movies, documentaries or over the Internet, cannot change that simple fact. There is no credible evidence for any of the assertions made in support of unusual events taking place in December 2012.

For more information on the silliness surrounding December 2012, see:

• http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/misc/planetx/nutshell.html
• Wikipedia: look under “Nibiru collision.”
• http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html

Written by Don Yeomans, NASA senior research scientist

Security Alert
Possible cougar sighting – employees should exercise caution

Investigators with Security have investigated the reported sighting of a suspected cougar in the vicinity of Building XX. An inspection of the area did not provide any evidence that a cougar or other large animal had been there, such as tracks or scratches on trees, but we are taking this report seriously nevertheless.

Microsoft Security will conduct frequent patrols of all wooded areas of the campus, and will work with the State Department of Fish & Wildlife and other experts to assess the situation and provide further updates if appropriate. In the meantime, we ask that all employees exercise appropriate caution, particularly in remote or wooded areas of campus.

If you see anything suspicious, please contact the Jenny at 867-5309.

For any threat to personal safety Dial 911 (or local emergency provider) and immediately contact on-site Security.

Um, a “suspected cougar”? “I don’t know for sure though. It could have been a cougar. Maybe a duck or platypus. Maybe even Man-Bear-Pig. I can’t say. But, since we like to blame local animals for wandering neighborhoods and business parks from which we stole from them in the first place, we’ll claim it’s a cougar.